#i know using drugs to self medicate is like a VERY common thing

[mars-ipan]

i feel so smart rn

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

Since Viv still somehow cannot decide on what Angel overdosed on. I am taking my liberties and doing it my goddamn self. I will also be formatting this into a summary of what I think a good small backstory scene could be like while also giving Angel a safespace and bonding experience.

It’s in the tags but WARNING there is discussion of drug abuse and overdosing in this summary.

Urg, okay, Vague but also kind of not vague angel backstory stuff because ig viv cant make up her mind on her own OCs backstory

Angel is lying in bed with Husk sitting at the edge as per usual, and Angel starts talking about a few mild personal things (mental struggles, work, general issues, etc) and Husk suggests taking something mild to help him relax and sleep so he gets up and gets him a few pills and puts them in Angel’s hand; says its Benadryl just to help him sleep a bit, but notices quickly that Angel is suspiciously reluctant to take or even look at the pills. Obviously, he asks what's up and is met with the answer of, “Nothin’ I just don’t… use that stuff.” It piques Husk’s interest, and asks if it doesn’t work for Angel, who responds with, “It definitely works.” but ultimately, Husk decides not to pry; however, he lets Angel know he’s open to listen if it’s something he feels like he wants to talk about.

Angel, being weirdly stubborn but also becoming a bit more open with Husk by this time, takes a few minutes to actually say something but eventually informs Husk that it was something he used to try and get high off and had some really good and really bad trips with, but it was the drug that ultimately led to him suffering an overdose and never waking up after it. Both of them are quiet for a bit until Husk gets up and searches for something else to help Angel sleep and, once again, places a few small pills in his hand and says he can try these, but if not, he can try something else without pills. Angel is still reluctant but ends up accepting the offer and proceeds to carefully assort the pills into little categories, saying it’s something he ‘needs to do’. Husk doesn’t push further than that and watches Angel take the pills before the other lays down again.

Things once again go silent for a good ten or so minutes until Husk notices Angel uncomfortably folding his hands over his stomach but mentions that pills always make him feel queasy to an extent and that he only takes them with other people around so he’s distracted from the discomfort they give him. In an attempt to calm Angel’s apparent nerves on the topic, he decides to sit with the other until Angel falls asleep. Eventually, Husk follows suit, with both of them waking up the next morning and Angel giving a relieved and grateful, albeit shaky, sigh. The next morning consists of Angel thanking Husk but ends with the two coming to an agreement that next time Angel can't sleep, a liquid medication approach would be better.

I don’t know if I’ll ever do a full fledged writing of this, but the concept of triggers is something I’ve personally yet to see stated in Hazbin Hotel. This would be a good way to discuss clear lingering trauma Angel has while still treating it with the gentleness the character needs and severity the topic needs. Benadryl was also just becoming a thing around the 1940’s so it makes sense for this to be something Angel very likely could’ve overdosed on. The topic of common triggers is something interesting too; I’ve seen that in other media obviously but even though I know we won’t get it, it’d be nice to see the caution around said trigger and very slowly seeing the character become more open to it if it is a common thing like this. Not everyone will get over triggers and I myself also used to have a strained relationship with a certain pill like this, but there is always the chance that you will be able to use it somewhat normally again.

If this were to happen I’d be fine with it if Angel never got over the discomfort of pills, but much later on in the series if we saw him take some kind of antihistamine casually and comfortably it’d be really nice to see that kind of growth. And as for Husk, I’d like to see him be less shame-y with Angel’s struggles like he was in Episode 6. Since we’ve basically lost Cherri Bomb as his safespace from external stressors, I really think Angel will benefit from an actually deeply caring friend, especially one that doesn’t overstep his boundaries and doesn’t encourage self destructive behaviour. The same goes for Angel by the way, I’m really pissed that they didn’t have Angel apologise for harassing Husk and everyone else. It really is not that hard to at least try to have him feel sorry about that sort of thing. Fuck, here’s something I wrote in like 20 minutes.

——————

It’d be really nice to have someone to talk to, honestly, even though he didn’t speak to Husk very much at all prior to this; he was looking forward to it a little more now. Coming home… er… coming back to the hotel after work and chatting casually at a bar was just… something about it sounded so… calm. Sure, he could go to a random bar and flirt with some rando, but talking with an actual acquaintance while having a few drinks seemed so freeing. Not having to worry about someone staring at him from across the room and getting approached about some kind of ‘offer’ outside.

God, he fucking hated that... ��Fuck…” Soft smile melding into a grimace, Angel began to chew slower and slower until he eventually stopped altogether and harshly swallowed. He’d probably been making Husk feel gross like that for ages now. Obviously, he’d seen the disgruntled faces he’d get in return for flirting, but he’d never actually thought about it like that until now. He couldn’t even say, ‘for some reason, it made him feel gross’; he knew exactly why; coming to terms with that, on the other hand, was a lot more uncomfortable than he’d imagined. “Hey, uh… Not to damper the mood, but… I…”His chest puffed as he took a deep breath, and each word pulled Angel to avert his gaze further from his food and the cat sitting across from him. “I was gonna say… I’m sorry for bein’ weird and touchin’ your face yesterday…” As he spoke up, his voice lightly cracked near the end of his sentence. “And when we were filmin’ the hotel commercial… And every time I’ve put my legs on ya lap… And any otha time I did somethin’ like that.”

——————

I haven’t even finished this writing yet (I’ll likely add the rest when I do finish it) but you can see that it genuinely is not that hard to fit in an apology.

Anyway I hope you guys enjoyed my little Angel Dust ideas. Be prepared for more eventually

[sistermclarens]

Had to look this up to satisfy my own curiosity re: Oscar competing with a broken rib. FIA is a member of the World Anti-Doping Agency, which does ban some of the most common "heavy" pain meds from use during competition (pg 16 in the English version of the rules). Banned during competition basically means you can't have it in your system on the day of a competition, but you can take it before and after that time. Not sure how F1 classifies free practices, but almost certainly for qualifying you couldn't have any of these in your system.

I know nothing about pharmaceuticals but a bit of basic googling seems to indicate that morphine and oxycodone are reliably out of your system within 24 hrs to the point that they wouldn't show up on a drug test. Just making basic assumptions, the last time Oscar could have taken any pain medications is probably the Friday before a race and depending on the free practice rules possibly as early as Thursday morning.

Interestingly, while cocaine is expressly prohibited both in and out of competition, some of its anesthesia derivatives (lidocaine, etc) are not listed in the banned stimulants section (pg 14-15). So possibly they could give him a shot of local anesthesia before races. The big treatments I'm seeing come up repeatedly for broken ribs are rest, ice, and deep breathing (shallow breathing apparently can lead to pneumonia). None of these things can be accomplished in the car, obviously. All the ice bath pictures after Hungary are much more depressing in retrospect.

Of course some other significant complications of rib fractures are a punctured lung and severe internal bleeding. Presumably the McLaren medical staff were monitoring his condition very closely, but let's not pretend that they don't have a conflict of interest: they're paid by the company to get him back in the car asap, NOT to get him back to peak health. Oscar himself was likely advocating for whatever medical options would get him back in the car fastest, not the ones that would be the most beneficial overall. I've certainly done stupid things and caused myself severe injuries in the name of sport over the years, but none of them carried this kind of risk of death. But then again he risks death every time he gets in the car so 🤷‍♀️ both through nature and nurture adrenaline junkie always outweighs his self preservation instincts. Something something support his rights and his wrongs

[minionofcolor]

Narrative support in IWTV for a transfem reading of Daniel Molloy + Imagine Armand forcefemming Daniel

Note: I will use both "he" and "she" pronouns in this post depending on if Daniel has realized she's a girl yet.

I felt like I had to make a proper writeup after posting a shitpost.

Canonical things about Daniel Molloy that helps me see the character as transgender, specifically I see her a pre-transition trans girl instead of a cis boy.

-Daniel is 20 years old and struggles with substance abuse (alcohol and drugs like cocaine). It is common for trans people to self-medicate their dysphoria with substances.

-Daniel is suicidal. (When he asks Louis to turn him, the implication is that it will involve Daniel dying.) Trans people tend to be suicidal, especially when they don't have access to medical transition.

-"I could be your Lestat, your Claudia". Daniel does not have any issues identifying with a woman/womanhood.

-When Daniel slept with a girl in high school, he had her wear a paper bag. Also, Daniel was interested in coffin sex with Louis. Both things obscure sight. Trans people may not like being Perceived or looked at during sex, which is something fraught because it involves the body.

-Young Daniel is submissive and transfems tend to be submissive.

-Just because Louis is a gay man doesn't mean he's obligated to like or sleep with any guy. But consider: Daniel isn't a man, and somehow Louis could tell, so he just never hooks up with Daniel.

OK, now consider Armand.

-Louis told Armand he wanted Daniel to live, so Armand can't exactly harm Daniel, but Armand could do something else right?

-Imagine Armand kidnapping Daniel, keeping him in a basement and drugging him. 🥰

-It's Estrogen. Armand is giving Daniel it through pills and injections and this does freak Daniel out because he has no idea what he's being given and he has no way of resisting Armand. Also Armand makes him eat food, especially burgers and milkshakes (protein and fat to help Daniel's boobs grow big). Daniel becomes bigger and healthier when before he was thin and unhealthy.

-Daniel quits every single drug except for what Armand gives him. And at first, Daniel thinks he's not being given anything at all and its placebos or something, because nothing happens after he takes the drugs. He doesn't get high, and that's a mindfuck.

-Daniel and Armand start a romantic/sexual relationship at some point, and Daniel notices his body is changing over time.

-Armand gaslights Daniel in the face of very obvious physical evidence, which means Daniel knows Armand is lying, as like, a bit. For example, Daniel wears Armand's hoodie, but because Daniel's tits keep on getting bigger, he outgrows the hoodie. Also, imagine Daniel ruining one of Armand's dress shirts because a button pops right off.

Daniel: Armand, have you been giving me estrogen???

Armand: I have no idea what you mean, nothing has changed.

Armand says this while he's sucking Daniel's tits and also fondling them. And Daniel knows, his entire boob use to fit in Armand's mouth, but it doesn't anymore. It also used to fit in Armand's hand, but now it's spilling out too.

-It turns out that after awhile, Daniel feels happy. His mind feels in alignment with his changed body and he feels a bliss that he would usually only be able to access if he's high or drunk, but he's not. He's sober and he's happy and Armand can tell when he drinks Daniel's blood and Armand is pleasantly surprised too because the blood he usually drinks isn't happy, but this blood came from a person who is very happy!

-Daniel eventually realizes she's a girl.

-Armand's motive for drugging Daniel is simple. Armand's companion is a gay man so to get rid of competition(without murder), just turn the boy into a girl. But Armand forcefemming Daniel turns out to be good because the thing that was driving Daniel toward substance abuse and suicidality was being a closeted transfem. Once she transitioned, she could be happy while sober, because she's happy with her form now.

-Armand found Daniel annoying at first and Armand was trying to humiliate and emasculate Daniel, but this completely fails, because Daniel wanted to be a girl. Armand falls in love over time, because it's fascinating seeing someone become a joyous and happy woman.

-Armand is supportive, he does the same stuff for her as he does in the books (shaving her, buying her clothes), and he refers to her using she/her pronouns and feminine pet names (girlfriend, good girl, miss molloy, etc). And he nurses her through her bottom surgery recovery of course.

I will eventually write this out as an actual fic but I'm unsure where I'm cannibalizing or remixing my own ideas because I already wrote and posted 40,000 words of fic where Armand gently forcefems Daniel (clothes only, no drugs) and she becomes his girlfriend.

The fic is called "The Devil’s Minion Wears Prada" :

https://archiveofourown.org/works/60820903/chapters/155346052

[all-pacas]

some more retcon sister headcanons because it's retcon sister week:

aka danielle maria chase, retcon sister of my dreams

the most important fact about this oc is that her name is not danielle, it's 100% daniela, chase just got it wrong as a kid and has stuck with the mistake for 20 years.

no one but her brother calls her danielle, but she's absolutely fine with it from him (no one else tho). she doesn't love going by daniela either but has dabbled in just about every other nickname you can get from the name -- ellie and ella are the most common ones -- most people know her as ellie -- and she's also tried out danny, dana, etc.

…she's quite big on "reinventing" herself. it's partially a very genuine attempt to turn over new leaves and change and leave her mistakes behind her, it's partially just… fun. she tries out new hairstyles, has dyed her hair every color under the sun, she tries out new identities left and right.

she gets manic as hell, which ties into her drug use/alcoholism, both in terms of danielle trying to self medicate and trying to keep herself up and "fun" and it's a mess. she's never been to a psychiatrist (her father Did Not Believe in them), but tbh she could use it!

chase is absolutely the Responsible Big Brother around her. it's one of the reasons they do way better on low contact, even though deep down they do both love one another and share a deep fucked up childhood bond. but when they're together they both immediately fall into old bad habits: he infantilizes her and lectures her and burns himself out with stress, she gets rebellious and resentful and has never really forgiven him for moving to the States when she was still a teenager.

she really doesn't remember her mother much, which is another thing that's difficult between her and chase: danielle was 5-6 when she died, and danielle really has no memories of her functional or sober and kind of… blocked out/willfully forgot the rest. so it's easy for danielle to think of her mother as a glamorous and exciting person, and chase cannot deal with this.

she doesn't hate her father. part of it is that same idealization-to-cope (he's just so cool and smart and that's why he doesn't talk to her), but also… it's kind of the same deal as her mom, danielle doesn't know shit about rowan, he's a neutral figure to her. chase is old enough to remember having parents but danielle's only parent was her brother. rowan did take her in after her mother died, though. she has more of a relationship with rowan's second wife, although they don't get along.

she really does not like herself!! welcome to the chase family danielle!! she has a lot of the same abandonment issues as her brother: no one wants her, she's an idiot, no one cares about her. she's not educated, she's not a doctor, so she idealizes her family as a way of like… look how cool and fancy they are, i'm related to them, i'm like that too. i'm not a fuckup. i'm not a failure. (and then she gets depressed and she gets high.)

when the show starts — 2004 — she's 18 or so, 26/27 by the time of Chase MD. i think she does get her shit together by the time she and chase are back in touch, but it isn't easy, and it relies on her having to move on from her family a bit, mentally estrange herself instead of clinging to this ideal of them.

she does get pregnant and decides to keep the baby (around 2010/11), which causes her and chase's biggest falling out (he spirals whenever she's concerned, he 100% had a nightmare vision of him somehow having to raise this baby). she really does try her fucking best for her son, though. she only really starts to understand how bad her parents were after he's born, you know?

i like to imagine she works with animals. maybe she becomes a horse girl. :))) just does something outdoorsy and a little athletic and it's nothing well-paying or fancy but it's hers and it keeps her busy and active and clean.

she and chase also slowly fix their relationship, although living on opposite ends of the world does help a lot lmao. they just. do better that way. but they keep in better touch, and chase eventually meets his nephew. a lukewarm ending but a happy one.

(also danielle liked cameron and did not understand what cameron saw in her brother. like. chase is so bossy and he's so annoying and uptight and cameron was just like he's w h a t)

[thewhumpcaretaker]

In the JW world what do you think is the general attitude of assassins, the High Table and so on toward psychiatry? I feel like they would totally dismiss it…they’d consider it pseudoscience for ordinary sheeple. Because otherwise they’d have to admit that pretty much everyone under the Table has some kind of personality disorder, PTSD, family issues, sociopathy etc. And they’d much rather think of themselves as superior to the rest of humanity, rather than inferior or damaged. So they have surgeons and probably physical therapy and so on, they’d be fine with self-medicating with alcohol and recreational drugs…but no shrinks, and you’ll get scornfully laughed out of any Continental bar if it gets out that you’re seeing one. Wdyt???

I've thought about this quite a lot (not because I've imagined giving every single one of my JW blorbos therapy or anything hehehe) but I mostly agree. I do think it's probably considered very shameful and isn't something most of them would even consider. But I think it's not so much that they see it as pseudoscience, rather an admission of weakness. I can't imagine it's common to admit to any illness within the High Table (anything more chronic than a bullet wound at least), because there's such an effort to hold onto power. If you're ill, then you're not in top form and this is a good time for an assassination attempt or for others to question your fitness to rule and start massing a mutiny against you. In the case of emotional vulnerability, that would include an opening for emotional attacks. I don't think the Table members are above sending hate mail or intentionally triggering someone's phobia or substance abuse issues as a form of punishment/manipulation. Psychological vulnerability is just one more thing that can be used against you in a fight.

On top of that, there's the confidentiality issues. A therapist holds knowledge of all of those psychological pain points, and a lot of people would want to buy that knowledge for a handsome price or torture it out of them. Imagine knowing how to make John Wick or the Marquis de Gramont have a breakdown at exactly the right time. Their enemies would definitely want that info. I think all assassins and especially Table members are taught not to reveal that much about themselves to anyone, because it's a security risk. So if you talk to a therapist, it's seen as reckless and foolish.

And then finally, I agree that they pretty much all have issues, and were raised by people who have issues. So they were taught that their issues are normal, and would have to admit that the way they were raised was really messed up if they're going to change. That's hard to do. This quote really sums it up: "they’d much rather think of themselves as superior to the rest of humanity, rather than inferior or damaged." When seeking help feels impossibly dangerous, and it would mean condemning your entire way of life anyway, it's easier to just pretend that nothing is wrong and that the dysfunctional parts of one's life are actually the superior parts. Therapy is for other people. Weak people. People who don't have bigger concerns, like staying alive and ruling. That's the average High Table stance, I think.

[itsnotaphasemomitsanobsession]

To all the tropes I've loved before

✨ Quality fic recs under the cut ✨

✨ If I could read only one trope for the rest of my life, it would be soulmate fic. A treasure of unfounded proportions ✨

Soulmate fics:

Vortex (T): TW: anxiety, brief mention of self harm, nonconsensual drug use (medical abuse in the form of over prescribing medicine). I've read this one several times because of how lovely I find it. The gentle love between Harry and Draco just does something to my cold dead heart. This fic has it all: Auror Harry, Down and out Draco, Teacher Draco, fluff, angst, and just the right amount of soulmate tomfoolery. Read also the authors part two of the fic: Riptide(M).

Everything a Word can Mean (T): Everyone is born with the nickname their soulmate uses for them tattooed on their body, Harry's just so happens to be something everyone calls him. I love this little fic so much, it's really sweet and fluffy and everything you need for a Saturday morning read!

Punch-drunk fingerprints (T): Cute and fluffy fic where if you touch your soulmate it leaves a mark on them. Draco just so happens to get pulled through a corridor with Harry tugging along.

Eighth year fics:

✨ These fics are either the sweetest most fluffiest fics or they are the most heart wrenching fics of all time and I love them with every fiber of my being ✨

Swish and flick (T): If there's one thing to know about me, it's that I LOVE roommate fics and this is a sweet one. Harry and Draco in this are really sweet and I feel like this fic needs to be on everyone's TBR right the frick now.

Inside Your Mind (E): TW: PTSD, use of sex as a coping mechanism (it does get better later), severe bullying. Coming back 8th year has been hard on Draco, but Greg is there to "help" by acting as bodyguard. Harry is pretty sure that's not really helping any. It's a sweet, sad and lovely fic that shows the love of friends and their willingness to keep you safe, but also how those friendships can blossom into something better and healthier. An absolutely beautiful fic and top notch smut if you partake!

Good Company (T): Such a sweet fic of Harry and Draco being friends in their 8th year. Harry feeling like the third wheel to Ron and Hermione falls into a friendship with Draco and Draco is just trying to get through the year. It's very very cute and I'm a big fan!

Lessons in Grace and Decorum (not rated): TW: power dynamic related consent problems, forced proximity, use of torture on purpose and on accident, self worth issues and depression. This is an oldie but a goodie, you will have to read it through a Google doc but it's really really good. Draco sees his dead mom and she gives him advice on how to make friends. It's sweet, sad as fuck and I've read it so many times I just have it permanently downloaded onto my phone.

Quiet (E): TW: implied sexual violence and abuse. Draco and Harry just vibe in the Slytherin common room and drink, gaze longingly at each other, maybe do some homework and play quidditch. There's also a cute little ficlet that is in the same story line, it's cute and it's ginny x pansy (big fan) so check out peripheral.

The In-betweens (T): Harry and Draco are roommates in 8th year. Surprisingly they get along pretty well, Draco sings dirty dancing in the shower and Harry likes it. I love this fic so much and I hope each and every one of you puts this on your TBR right this instant!!!!!

Job fics:

✨ Nothing better than older gay men finding love in what they do and also finding love in each other. Extra points if Harry isn't an Auror and Draco has an odd creative job ✨

The Snitch Maker (T): Draco makes snitches and Harry works for the Quidditch Union for the Administration and Betterment of the British League and its Endeavours. It's really cute and a little silly, Draco is very fun in this and Harry is an ex-auror with a disability. It's very sweet and worth the read

Chasing Shadows (E): TW: homophobia, death, and internalized homophobia. Draco works in a muggle bar and hasn't been in the wizard world for awhile, Harry works as an Auror and his next case is the death of Lucius Malfoy. Very very very good fic, features Harry coming to terms with his sexuality, an openly homosexual Draco and a series of fun OCS that make the fic very charming and worth the read.

Draco from the Wireless show (T): Very much a Welcome to Night Vale type of vibe. It's interesting and funny and just slightly odd which I love a whole lot. Draco in this is silly and a bit of a hermit and Harry is just trying to figure out why this town is so odd? I recommend this for days where you really need something silly to lift your spirits!

✨ please please please make sure you comment and leave kudos on the fics that you enjoy to let the authors know their worth!!!! ✨

[trans-axolotl]

Hey! Really excited about that sh curriculum you're putting together. At the risk of diluting the focus: What definition of self-harm are you going to be using? Some stuff I've seen before has been very focussed on NSSI/very direct forms of self-harm and I think there are more recent/broad definitions that are better but depends on if those would limit how effective your curriculum would be. Full disclosure I studied psychology at undergrad and my dissertation was on self harm (specifically if psych undergrads recognised/accepted a broader definition of it). I was using research that was slated for publication that same year, but that was five years ago and I haven't been a student since then so I don't know how up-to-date it is (and one reason I left was the institution of psychology as a practice put theory far ahead of the experiences of the people we're supposed to be helping). Best of luck! I hope your work helps many many people. 💜💜💜

not diluting the focus at all!

content note: in depth discussion of several forms of self harm.

so i was planning on using a pretty broad definition of self harm that is essentially based on what an individual defines as self harm for themselves, rather than trying to create an umbrella definition that labels certain kinds of actions as "inherently self harm" or "never self harm." the first slide of the presentation is actually about collaboratively creating a working definition of self harm within the presentation group, bringing up things not traditionally considered self harm like piercings, tattoos, high risk sports, etc, as a way to consider societal attitudes towards self harm, and then contrasting the definition with medical definitions of self harm so that we can start to build a political understanding of self harm. for this specific training and audience (group of radical medics and health organizers looking for specific skills and strategies they can implement), a lot of what they need is direct information on more common forms of self harm and practical strategies for supporting people with things like cutting, burning, hitting/headbanging, etc. it's likely that a lot of content will be focused on that, simply because that's the need for this context.

also think that there's some other more uncommon forms of self harm that i definitely want to at least mention and brainstorm a bit with (ingestion harm, ligature harm, etc). which can be a lot harder to do harm reduction with given risk level, but important to discuss and brainstorm and try.

in terms of adapting harm reduction to a broad definition of self harm that encompasses many ways people hurt themselves, both directly, indirectly, in ways that are societally acceptable, in ways that are not, i think there's really a lot of opportunity there. in a lot of harm reduction education that I went through that was drug use and sex work specific, we spent a lot of time developing essentially like... a set of generalized best practices based in values and the philosophy of harm reduction that could theoretically be applied in many situations, before we went on to specific harm reduction recommendations for specific drugs. and i think there might be a lot of value do to something similar here. even if a lot of the practical techniques are focused on the type of direct self harm i mentioned above, i think that developing a harm reduction for self harm framework that could be applied for a wide variety of situations that different people might consider self harm. maybe doing a few less typical examples that we work through together and consider how we would apply the harm reduction framework.

honestly i think the only things that i know for certain i'm not going to be covering in this training even though they're things that some people might consider under the umbrella of self harm is harm reduction for eating disorders, because i have a whole separate presentation planned for that LMFAO and harm reduction for drug use, bc there's already so many existing resources in my community. (to be clear not saying that all or most drug use is self harm, but just that i know some people who consider their drug use as a form of self harm for them).

also, would love to hear more about your research if you want to share! it sounds super interesting.

thanks for the ask!

[lovepmd]

Even if Multi!Hero was abnormally healthy, they would probably have to take medicine as a fairly young Pokemon in the physical sense. Except some common medicines can make animals or even kids loopy. So here are a few things they’ve said across the adventure while on medication.

Rescue:

“Oh. These are some of the good drugs.”

“Weird. I thought the copium would run out by now, not get stronger.”

“P. [Partner]. Hey, [Partner]… Do you ever wonder if Alakazam worries about teleporting another Pokémon? Cause you have to worry organs and bones and nerve stuff? And he’s just casually bending space to go somewhere.”

“Sometimes. I have dreams where I’m in the team base’s place. I’m just buried up to my head and forced to keep wide smiling. And my head’s hollow. I keep having that dream… Pokemon need to scrape their feet before coming into the base. It must taste all the dirt.”

“Gengar knew what he was doing having a Gardevoir for a partner.”

“Did the Pokémon who originally start naming Orbs ever get them mixed up?”

“No wonder Rayquaza was a pain in the ass. Their ass makes up fifty percent of their body.”

Explorers:

“Did Treasure Town exist before the Marowak Dojo’s mystery dungeons or did they exits before those opened up?”

“Sunflora. I swear I thought you had eyes, cause Sunkern’s have them. But somedays. I don’t know where to look when talking to you.”

“Who hurt you, Chatot?”

“It’s weird. I skipped the messy marriage and divorce stage to become a parent. And hopefully I’ll avoid any custody battles.”

“I don’t know if Wigglytuff always knows what’s going on, but he tends to have fun doing it. Does the fact he rarely ever explore nowadays make him feel sad? Or at least bother him?”

“Someone had to have carved Sharpedo Bluff.”

Gates:

“The urge to skin Scraggy crosses my mind every so often—“ “What the hell, you’s talkin’ about?!” “I’m DISCUSSING peeling off your extra skin pants thing so you have to regrow it! This is a private conversation, you heathen!”

(Multi!Hero becomes very eloquent and unfiltered when on a medicine high.)

“How do the Timburrs’ know the difference when someone’s talking talking about them and when talking about timber wood?”

“Part of me wants to tie Esmolga into a kite set up during a thunderstorm. Would he like being struck by lighting or would he prefer the winds?”

“I wonder if it’s possible to create artificial V-Waves. I mean, Victini can already change the day’s effect if you pay him enough.”

“If Pokemon keep sneaking into Paradise to peep at Virizion, I going to start letting her hunt them for sport. Or fine them with trespassing. Both work.”

“I think if Munna were to appear in Paradise, right at this point in time… I was smack her.”

Super:

“[Partner]. I miss my kids. Manaphy’s the most famous one, but I miss the rest. I wonder how they’re doing these days.“

“A lot of Pokémon think I’m God. At best, I’m a demi-god through fighting all the Gods (Legendaries) as a mortal. Sheer merit there.”

“Arceus knew Grass Types were too strong because they can self heal. So they gave them five weaknesses.”

“I didn’t ask questions when we travel to five continents everyday to meet Pokemon. I should have really asked questions. How. How does Lapras always get us there and back to Lively Town every day???”

“I’ve purposely exploded a lot of stuff for the heck of it.

“If Dark Matter had simply stoned every single Legendary when they were asleep, it might’ve won.”

oh my GOD

[adj4mp]

How would I address the NHS?

The NHS is currently under massive mismanagement, too much money that is in the NHS budget is earmarked for private firms to provide care on behalf of the NHS. These private services are often not fit for purpose and whether they're used or not cost more than the NHS employing the staff to provide the actual required services in-house.

I only consider things that the NHS has control over to be within the NHS's budget. If the money must be paid to a company dictated by law or the Department for Health, rather than managed by people who work for the NHS and are paid from the NHS budget then the money isn't really NHS money and never was. By this metric, I think that the NHS has had severe funding cuts for at least 15 years, even beyond the fact that the NHS funding hasn't increased in line with inflation.

I think true free universal healthcare is an economic boon, people being unworried about their health and the costs associated with it improves their ability to handle other life stresses. It makes them more likely to be working and paying into the system.

I think there are a number of treatments that should be able to bypass GPs for adults, where Addiction and Public Health concerns are not an issue it should be possible to simply talk to a pharmacist to get access to certain medications. Self-diagnosis is entirely valid for many things and if those treatments were free and easy to access for anyone it could do an immense amount of good.

A list of drugs would include HRT, painkillers, side effect management, mood stabilisers, and SSRIs. At least at the lowest dosages and for some perhaps for a limited number of dispenses between physician visits. But other treatments might include mobility aids, physical therapy, counselling and so on. Making them accessible without GP time frees them to take more time with patients who need more help or don't know the right path to take.

Recreational drugs should also be available through pharmacies cheaply, making recreational drugs safer, directing people to less addictive alternatives, restricting dispenses to a single-day dosage and offering regular health monitoring improves the lives of users keeping them safer and reducing costs associated with overdosing or poisons. Removing the drug industry from criminal enterprises could make a significant dent in the associated crime, no longer would users be required to steal to pay for the most addictive drugs and long-term users are less likely to be pushed into taking the most dangerous recreational chemicals, and recreational drugs can be taxed too.

Destigmatising drug use is also a benefit, in many cases drug use is no worse than alcohol, and in some situations is safer for both the individual and society as a whole, but by letting people take the drugs they want to or need to without stigma allows them to hold down jobs more easily.

If it's health-related it should be possible to get it freely, easily and with minimal barriers. This is true for sickness, mental health services, optometry, and dentistry. I might even suggest rolling in alternative medicines where the practitioners understand that the service they're providing is in effect hypnosis or a very effective placebo and is not a replacement for actual medicines but can supplement other treatments.

For gatekept services like antibiotics, antivirals, antiparasitics, more intensive treatments and treatments that require ongoing monitoring this is the ideal realm of GPs, they're there to make sure the right drugs are being used, the right dosages are being suggested, that the usage doesn't create drug-resistant strains of common illnesses and that the overall health of patients is considered including the managing of side effects or signposting of other services when someone is seeking a treatment path that could benefit from specialists.

The only reason to deny a patient treatment should be public health or patient-related, the financial impact of prescriptions, services and recommendations must not be made to be the concern of the people deciding on what the best treatments are.

While I do believe it's in the best interest of everyone that the NHS be entirely free at the point of use, I'm not against some access to the NHS being costed either, where treatments are costly, risky or unnecessary like recreational drugs or elective surgeries then charges may be applicable to fast track through waiting lists or to get access. And rather than duplicating services with private healthcare for people wishing to bypass public waiting lists if you have the money and are willing to pay for your own treatment and costs associated with bumping others down the list you can jump to the head of the queue.

The nationalisation of private medical firms and bringing their staff under the NHS umbrella would start to address the staffing issues present within UK healthcare. The market value for NHS staff payments as well as working conditions should be enough to attract people to work here from other countries. And by hiring or training world-class practitioners we can ethically accept paying patients who travel to the UK for treatments too.

Any and all of these payments for services should be split between the NHS's savings and a bonus pot for practitioners who provide exceptional service. The NHS's bank account should be 'hidden' from the decisions regarding budgetary funding. In this way any accumulated savings can be used for things outside of the normal procedures like Pandemic responses, developing experimental treatments, maintaining services during economic contractions or upgrading facilities ahead of their normal life span. In 'ordinary' times though I believe the NHS's savings should be in the black and increase year on year.

[kael-writ]

Some thoughts for addicts just starting recovery:

- build up support around yourself. You need and deserve support, and even if you can't believe that you deserve it, you gotta know you need it. Lots of people are so happy to give it. They got help and they wanna pay it forward. They feel good about themselves when they help. They want you to succeed. You aren't putting them out. Helping you get clean is a mutual benefit to your community. And when you're clean and strong, you'll be there helping others too. So take all the help you can get, and know people do give joyfully out of love.

- Make plans. Short term and long term. How can you delay using for five minutes? What supplies can you get to cope with withdrawal? Make lists. A list of people to call. A list of things that calm you down besides drugs.

- Envision your sober self. Focus on it. What will you be able to achieve? How will you feel? See your body healing. Your mind clearing. Your life become more manageable. Keep your eyes on that future for yourself, a future you can and WILL achieve.

- It's particularly important to get MEDICAL help to manage chemical withdrawal from alcohol and other hard drugs.

- Take measures to prevent and deal with any potential mental health crisis. You need to be seeing a primary care doctor, a psychiatrist, and a therapist. Or as best as you can get to that. Your mental health has been mismanaged by this drug for a very long time, maybe from childhood or youth. You may not even be fully aware of what your sober mental

- Practice being comfortable with discomfort. Let it suck. Let it fuckin suck. Because whatever is happening, it will end. A panic attack for example will end. It ends, your body calms, and you got through it, without drugs.

- Be fucking honest. Be embarrassingly honest. Secrecy is addiction's friend. You want to defeat addiction? You tell everyone everything. You tell your mom, your best friend, your bartender (they know), your liquor store, everyone, you are an addict, you need help, you are entering recovery. You relapse? You tell someone you are accountable to. Every time. A sponsor, therapist, a friend who isnt a using addict.

- You're probably gonna have to end friendships. Your buddy who you kill half a case with every night is a great guy who would kill for you and die for you, but you are killing each other. The way to save each other might have to be to part from each other. Some of your best friends might end up going clean too and being your absolute best comrades in arms against this common enemy. but some of them will lead you back to the enemy. You can't be friends with anyone who will ask you, "are you sure? Come on." Sorry buddy, all my love, but I gotta cut you loose.

- Guilt and shame are addiction's other friends. I know they're mean girl friends who talk shit about addiction, but they're ultimately gonna drag you back to addiction. Being down on yourself is just gonna end in you sinking into the swamp of sadness. You gotta build yourself up. Yes, addiction can feel shameful, that's a normal way to feel. And lots of addicts, in desperation and intoxication, do shitty things like steal. Beating yourself up about it is just telling yourself you're not worth saving. And you fucking need saving right now. So you need to be telling yourself that you are trying to do something really hard and important because you care, and there are people who care about you, and you have a future worth fighting for.

You are not your addiction. You are a person.

- Know that addiction is a social justice issue, and a medical issue. People who devalue addicts as people the way they devalue unhoused people are fucking assholes. Fight to not internalize that shit. Dont let the bastards drag you down.

- Learn new ways of solving problems. For a long time, you thought all you had was a hammer, and you bashed your life to bits trying to solve every problem with your one solution. Now you are gonna have to figure out the right tools for actually solving these problems. You're gonna wanna learn to calm your body with breathing and meditation, for example.

- Sabotage the Future Addict. Throw fuckin everything away, throw every lighter away, purge your house, this is not you anymore, you are done. Think you might feel like buying a drink after work? Leave the house with no money except your bus fare and no ID. If you gotta move or change jobs, put in the work to get that rolling. Realize this is the most important thing you gotta do right now and fuck pretty much everything else..

- The mundane shit works and is good, actually. A lot of us got into this wanting to have fun, we may have been the bad kids, the cool kids. A tamer life may seem unattractive. We also tend to have extreme emotional issues. We tend to have been through Some Shit. So getting sleep and water may seem so trite. but I swear to god, I PROMISE you, if you commit to that shit and really do it, it fucking helps a lot. It adds the fuck up. You're gonna start feeling better.

Not just water and sleep but like, go for a goddamn walk, do a fucking crossword puzzle. You might find yourself enjoying something that calms your body and centers your mind.

- let go of the need for instant gratification. Good shit takes time. The same way this fuckin addiction crept up on you over time before it became this beast, so too will the healing take time. If you work out every day, you'll build muscle over time, not instantly. If you give up in a week cuz you're not buff, dont say it's because exercise can't work. You gotta keep at it.

- get new sober friends, or revisit old ones. Get into some sober activities. It's a lot easier to go hiking sober, it's hard to go to a bar sober, so go the fuck hiking and dont go to the bar. Sober groups exist to facilitate this.

- relapses happen. You don't have to let that destroy you. You wake up in the morning, you feel like shit, feel that withdrawal? Go empty anything left and call your person. Get the fuck back on the horse, do not give up.

- Know it gets easier. It gets so much easier and better. The end of the withdrawal period will come and go. You'll have your first moments of not thinking about it. Then days, then weeks of not wanting it. Then one day it'll be five years and guys you're gonna be so fuckin strong and proud and you'll never wanna go back.

[aissmseducation]

Self-Medication

Popping in pills on your own, for the simplest reason like a headache is another trend in the health-care system today. While it costs you very less to buy those pills, eventually it can also cost you your life! It is correctly quoted –‘Health is wealth’, perhaps under-estimated at times by not considering professional advice. Self-medication means self-initiative to self-care by consuming self-prescribed medicines as a treatment for common symptoms such as fever, cold and cough, pain, headache, acidity, diarrhoea, vomiting, weakness, throat infections and so on; which is indeed wrong.

Things that we generally see happening around Fever or headache? “Let me get a painkiller or an analgesic from the nearby pharmacy store”. Suffering from indigestion or acidity? “Get an antacid for me quickly”. Running nose and a sore throat? “I need some lozenges for my throat and some anti-biotic for the cold”. Got a cut or a bleeding wound? “No need of a doctor, an anti-septic will clean the wound; later applying a Band-Aid or dressing will definitely work!” Feeling weak and tired? “Glucose powders or ready-to-use energy drinks is the best option”. This gives rise to a concern that- how rational, effective, useful, safe and most importantly how correct is the use of such medications without consulting a doctor and ignoring the seriousness of the condition?

The real worry Home remedies for treating the early symptoms might be acceptable, but using it over and over can worsen the situation! What if the cause of fever and headache is some viral condition? What if the throat is bad due to some infection? What if the person who has a bleeding wound and is diabetic too, which can cause severe complications? You never know the root cause right?

What is stimulating this self-medication act?

Self-medication can be seen as a sense of independence, implying rights to treat oneself without the help of a physician.

Exemption from medical treatment and ignorant behaviour can be counted as one of the reason.

An attempt to reduce the healthcare cost seems to be yet another benefit.

Increase of access through improved technology has also majorly contributed to self-medication.

What needs to be done?

One thing to realize here is treasuring your health is far more important than any other kind of treasure! It is always better to consult a doctor instead of taking medicines for a longer duration without knowing the actual cause of the disease. Go to your physician first when you feel unwell, that will be a wise choice all-time! It is also the duty of all the pharmacists to create this awareness amongst the people relying on non-prescription drugs. People themselves, on the other hand, need to stop risking their lives by doing so!

[swiftfootedachilles]

hiiiiiii anon. im here to commandeer this post. i didnt make this my twitter name for nothing!!!!

here are some things that i believe are autistic-coded (whether purposeful or not) about mickey:

i literally cannot name a single normal interaction he has on the entire show. not one. he has a very brazen personality, often making others uncomfortable with the way he says how he feels. yeah yeah theres the whole "not everyone can just blurt out how they feel," but we're gonna get there soon. he MASKS. A LOT. but when hes not masking he says the most out of pocket shit. byron calls him socially inept. he does NOT have a filter and does NOT give a fuck about what anyone else thinks

"i like facts. things that are real, shit i can hold" ITS LIKE THEY TOOK THIS RIGHT OUT OF THE DSM-V OR SMTH

hates change, relies on routine (VERY obvious in s11. he literally walks home in tbe middle of the night because the moon is pissing him off and he needs specific background noises to sleep. SPEAKING OF, he has those stereotypical giant ass Autistic Headphones)

doesnt understand social constructs ie yevgeny's christening "what or it didnt happen?"

drinks, smokes cigarettes, smokes weed, and does coke; autistic people are more likely to use drugs to self-medicate and cope with uncomfortable social situations

MELTDOWNS! s10 "groomzilla" mickey, his s11 anger about moving to the west side and beating up lip + throwing the chairs in the pool, s3 when he beats up ian :( when he becomes completely overwhelmed with emotion, he doesnt know how to use words to explain himself so he acts out physically. yes thats part of how he was raised, but we dont see the other siblings doing it as much or as publicly as mickey does. also, the way he processes grief and trauma after his dad dies. he keeps crying and crying and he cant control it and he obviously HATES it but theres nothing he can do but let his emotions physically manifest because hes at his breaking point

he sometimes shuts downs rather than having a meltdown. ex after 3x6 and before beating up ian, he completely ignores ian until he throws his bottle/shooting target lol

learns buzzwords and uses them in sentences just to show he learned a new word. "kelly girls," "swole." this isnt a diagnostic criteria obviously lol its just something that a lot of neurodivergent people do hehehehe

i saw a tiktok about autistic people being obsessed with Hawaiin print shirts and. yeah that speaks for itself. smth about them having super breathable fabric and having funky visully stimulating patterns just speaks to the autistic mind ✔️

stims. yeah you know all those "nervous tics" he has? rubbing his eyebrow, biting his nails? thats stimming :)

in s5 right before the breakup, we see a broken bike chain on his nightstand. bike chains are really common stim toys and i headcanon that thats what he had it there for :)

i personally believe that his internalized homophobia is directly tied to masking. he has to put on a face of what his dad and society see as a "real man," and this includes not only acting straight but also hiding mannerisms that are tied to autism. autistic people are usually inherently treated different by others, even when they dont know the individual is autistic. calling other kids weird or the r word simply for talking to passionately about a subject, not making enough eye contact, etc. a lot of people get clocked as autistic growing up before they even have a diagnosis, because bullies and abusers target people with typical autistic traits. i think when learning to mask, mickey did what he needed to survive and hid all the "abnormal" aspects of himself. hence "not everyone can just blurt out how they feel." this would also explain why mickey shows a lot more traits in the last 2 seasons (outside of the writers being assholes and writing him as "weird" to be funny 😑). he feels much safer and stable, so he begins unmasking especially around ian

i headcanon that his special interest is guns/weapons. and also maybe (shitty) 90s action movies :))))))

im not sure if hed ever gotten tested as a child. its possible? but seeing as he also can barely read and likely has a learning disability like dyslexia, i think the education system failed him haaaard :'( being undiagnosded as an adult is half "omg noooo youre totally not autistic dont say that!!!1!!" half "wait youre not diagnosed? you def have it bro." so i think some people assume he has it and simply dont bring it up. if he goes to therapy (WHICH HE SHOULD), i think the therapist would mention it and hed be VERY combative at first. but i agree with cam that i think if he did get diagnosed/accepted being autistic he would definitely use it against ian à la "im still on my honeymoon"

at the end of the day, mickey has and will always be mickey. plenty of people watch the show and dont see his character as autistic-coded. but some people do, so maybe everyone here on tumblr.gov should agree that there may be some merit to this headcanon and not be mean to each other when people say a fictional character is autistic! okay im stopping myself here before i spiral even further into the darkness

That's really interesting to headcanon Mickey as autistic. I never thought about that. Do you think he knows he's autistic and what point would he find out/be diagnosed? How do you think he feels about it?

HI! okay first of all congrats on being the first anon about autistic!mickey I've received that wasn't a hate message lol. to be honest I don't have a lot of specific headcanons about it other than the fact that he IS and I believe that with my whole heart. but I think he probably wouldn't wind up being diagnosed partly due to lack of resources once he's an adult and partly due to resisting it. even in canon it's apparent that Mickey knows struggles with/doesn't conform to social and societal norms and just doesn't give a fuck. and don't get me started on the sleeveless shirt thing

[bonefall]

What herbs should a med cat use to treat epilepsy?

Now that the epilepsy herb guide is out, I can say with certainty that The BEST treatment for canon-compliant warriors is cannabis or valerian root, and a dietary change to fatty prey + eggs.

But let me tell you about the whole journey I went on in research, complete with links to the most helpful educational sources I drew on, in case you would like to learn more

(CONTENT WARNING: Historical discussion of abelism towards epileptic people, animal testing resulting in animal death, links to resources that discuss seizures affecting both humans and cats, cannabis, gross cuts of animal meat, and Pliny the Elder)

So I actually made a bit of a mistake that I won't make again; when I did the HRT guide, I started with modern medication and went backwards. That worked for HRT but didn't for Epilepsy-- because modern epilepsy formulas are almost completely synthetic.

I started with some casual googling for epilepsy in cats, and what treatments they tend to get. After that I started comparing that to epilepsy management in humans

THE big boy epilepsy drug is Phenobarbital. Only RECENTLY (as in, the past 30 years) have we really started to branch out past it, and they're mostly extra types of barbituates. These cannot be found in nature.

So then I was like, OK, I can step back a little bit more, right? WRONG. The predecessor of Phenobarbital was Potassium Bromide-- and I was kinda horrified to find out how much worse it is in comparison. Bromide has a bad habit of building up in your body and a ton of super, super nasty side effects.

The rise and fall of Bromide in epileptic treatment is an epic story all on its own!!!

I was going to include it anyway since Bromide was better than not dying (and indeed it was REVOLUTIONARY at the time), but even BROMIDE is made chemically. The easiest process includes boiling salt and iron together-- iron would not be something warrior cats can access.

Besides-- Bromide is sometimes used for epileptic dogs, but in cats, it causes lung failure of all things.

So, at this point I was realizing I was not going to be able to make the guide with the same methods I used for HRT. I couldn't even find barbituates or potassium bromide in Natural Review of Products, so I was gonna need a new source.

BUT THEN

It dawned on me that managing Epilepsy through the eyes of a Clan medic would involve the seizures specifically--- and I was already realizing that the best recommendations I was going to end up with were non-herbal.

So, before I dove into chasing down herbal remedies, I was going to make a section on general seizure management. Especially first-aid.

Which was where I realized I didn't know as much about Epilepsy as I thought I did. I was only actually familiar with first aid (even got training on it). I didn't even know if a seizure hurt or not (they don't) and I didn't know about the different types of seizures. The "famous" type of seizure is the clonic/tonic, or 'grand mal,' but the most common types are absence seizures, sometimes called the 'petit mal,' as well as localized seizures.

So it was here I nodded and said, "I need to make sure I listen to first-hand experiences of what it is like to have and self-manage epilepsy."

And it was very insightful. I went through firsthand accounts, and came across the Epilepsy Society, and double-checked their credibility (since after all I didn't want to accidentally run into the Autism Speaks of Epilepsy, y'know? As far as I can tell, these guys check out. Lmk if they're sus).

Their Youtube channel was helpful. Lots of stories from epileptic people, some nice informative videos, all short. This video specifically made me dive into absence seizures.

I couldn't include every experience because I was trying to keep the guide short and focused on this being a Battle Cat Fan resource.

So-- that's why the guide takes a lot of time setting up non-medication aspects of Epilepsy care. That entirely came from what came up in my careful research.

But! Of course! I still have a lot to learn so I'm still happy to go back and edit anything if I messed up. I tried really hard to get this RIGHT, y'know? I hope it shows!

However... I still wasn't done.

You can't listen to marginalized voices and not learn about abelism; and I was about to face against the long, cold medical history of ancient Epilepsy treatments.

I still needed to find herbs for the Funny Fight Cats to actually use. Googling wasn't going to cut it anymore. I worked through citations to find A Brief History of Epilepsy And Its Therapy In the Western Hemisphere by R.A Gross and Epilepsy – From Mysticism to Science, which is taken from a translation of the Revue Neurologique.

Historically, Epilepsy was widely seen in Western society as a spiritual possession, with varying degrees of sympathy through history. I would really recommend checking out the two sources I linked, but I was VERY taken aback by Pliny the Elder saying "The best treatment for epilepsy is spitting on them so they don't come near you." FUCK YOU, PLINY.

Unfortunately Pliny was just a huge bitch reflective of the general feelings of the time. It was a constant back-and-forth between people saying "EPILEPSY IS EVIL SPIRITS" and "no it's a medical thing"

And that came crashing to a head in the 1800s with the birth of modern medicine....... and unfortunately, institutionalization. Which is where the vast majority of modern attitudes towards epileptics was born.

Modern attitudes being those that strip epileptics of agency. This has been used to take away their autonomy and legal rights. So I did a lot of revision to try and make sure my guide wasn't reinforcing that, especially considering Warrior Cat's dodgy history with abelism.

Most epileptics can be completely independent-- so the majority of warriors would just need someone to patrol with when they're going to be walking in the dangerous woods.

I removed a recommendation I had in my first draft to completely prevent epileptic warriors from going on battle patrols for this reason. Stress and head trauma caused by violence can worsen Epilepsy; but I don't think it would be responsible to patronize a warrior for whom battle is an extremely important part of Clan life, when they could still choose to fight.

So, onward,

Those two books also gave me herbs to check. When I saw something I wanted to consider, I would jot it down and then go research it individually.

(this was helpful for filtering out some of the... interesting suggestions. I think I counted 8 different types of cooked animal testicles which OBVIOUSLY were not going into my SFW herb guide)

Mistletoe was the first one I found. I even found a study on its usefulness in treating Epilepsy. It was eliminated for being poisonous and being more regionally limited than chamomile, while is naturalized pretty much everywhere.

White Hellebore immediately made me tilt my head because Hellebore is notoriously poisonous. I knew it was used in herbal medicine, just like yew, but it was followed by a whole chunk of herbs well-known for being EXTREMELY deadly. It didn't make it into the guide because of just HOW deadly it was-- but this is the reason why I included Chamomile and Mistletoe.

There were LOTS of herbs eliminated for being too poisonous to cats, though. Hyssop, peony, datura, foxglove...

Chamomile was almost axed by the 'no poisons' rule. In high doses, it can be harmful to cats. I was pretty sad to be cutting it, but if HELLEBORE could be used for people, chamomile easily wiggles in if its dosage is controlled.

In my mind, Chamomile is the Warrior Cats replacement for herbs like Hellebore. The one closest to how humans were treated for epilepsy traditionally, and the one you'd use to strike a balance between the "traditional treatment" style of herbs the Erins use and the "soft realism" of the cats being slightly different from humans (can't taste sweet, can't eat certain things that would be fine for a human)

There were a ton of herbs cut for being in the wrong region, including camphor tree products. There's a lot of history to Middle Eastern, Chinese, and South American treatment of Epilepsy. I didn't dive too deeply into it, since my guides focus on the most common type of fan clans; Temperate biomes in central Europe and North America

Which brings me to my darlings, cannabis and valerian root.

I initially thought that cannabis was going to get cut, since I was only familiar with industrial level production. I was surprised to find out that feral ditchweed actually has a very long history.

You know when you really should have known something, but it catches you off guard regardless? That's where I was with ditchweed. I knew that a lot of early American items were made of hemp (the declaration of independence is actually written on hemp paper), but I didn't realize it could... grow feral like that.

Anyway, cannabis is actually one of the oldest epilepsy treatments on record. It's also fine for cats, as long as it doesn't have a high THC content, which feral weed does not have.

(it's also full of seeds which would be AWESOME for a warrior cat, I should actually make a guide on cannabis uses since it's one of those "golden herbs" like my friend Fennel)

Lastly, there's valerian root. Which is actually fascinating.

See, valerian root is another herb that was used to treat epilepsy in antiquity, but modern studies don't seem to know what chemical inside of it is the anticonvulsant. It's probably isovaleric acid, and REAL high doses of it have shown promise in treating epilepsy...

But this shit is stinky

It's STINKY and not palatable. Valerian root tastes like ASS. And it only gets worse the higher the dose you have, something you don't notice when it's just a herb and not a super concentrated supplement. Apparently it's so bad that the research I've seen has said outright, "We should synthesize isovaleric acid from somewhere else because this is gross"

But... cats?

Valerian root is practically the opposite to cats. They LOVE the stinky. It's like catnip to them. Though it's a sleep aid to humans, it can energize a cat and is only a danger in excessively high doses.

And the best part is that both of these herbs are all over the place. Valerian is invasive in America and likes to grow in wet areas, and ditchweed (cannabis ruderalis) is native to central Europe to begin with... though, funny enough, through American Historical Shennanigans™, ditchweed is now more common in the midwestern united states than its native range.

I was also going to read Plants and Plant Products with Potential Anticonvulsant Activity – A Review and The Falling Sickness by Owsei Temkin, but at this point, I had three solid herbs and a whole guide on epilepsy management as it pertains to Warrior Cats. I'd recommend these two if you guys would like to read further than I did.

I've been working on this one all week which is actually a LIFETIME considering my average attention span, so I'm ready to move to the next big thing!

[hazedxhealing]

I am once again back to tell you enods aren't fucking shit.

First of all, so sorry for being gone for so long, a lot has happened and it just went so downhill very quickly.

A general synopsis is that I have been being abused for the entirety of my marriage and there was a whole fuck ton of secrets about how we got together that I didn't know because I was brain washed and it was a whole clusterfuck. But in better news, I am now a verified autistic, and my DID and OCD are actually being looked into.

Anyway~

I have been watching, observing, always - and I see endos still haven't gotten the memo.

So, to combat that, let's take yet another look into why DID is and always will be disordered, and why endos simply cannot medically exist, starting with some fun facts-

What causes DID?

DID is usually the result of sexual or physical abuse during childhood. Sometimes it develops in response to a natural disaster or other traumatic events like combat. The disorder is a way for someone to distance or detach themselves from trauma.

What are the symptoms of DID?

A person with DID has two or more distinct identities. The “core” (we don't use core as a term, but if you do, good on you) identity is the person’s usual personality. “Alters” are the person’s alternate personalities. Some people with DID have up to 100 alters.

Alters tend to be very different from one another. The identities might have different genders, ethnicities, interests and ways of interacting with their environments.

Other common signs and symptoms of DID can include:

Anxiety.

Delusions.

Depression.

Disorientation.

Drug or alcohol abuse.

Memory loss.

Suicidal thoughts or self-harm.

What test can be done?

There isn’t a single test that can diagnose DID. A healthcare provider will review your symptoms and your personal health history. They may perform tests to rule out underlying physical causes for your symptoms, such as head injuries or brain tumors.

Symptoms of DID often show up in childhood, between the ages of 5 and 10. But parents, teachers or healthcare providers may miss the signs. DID might be confused with other behavioral or learning problems common in children, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). For this reason, DID usually isn’t diagnosed until adulthood.

Source

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few key points here

"DID is usually the result of sexual or physical abuse during childhood" means exactly what it says. It takes mass amounts of severe physical or sexual abuse during childhood to cause DID. Being told to do the dishes, or getting yelled at for not cleansing your room or normal every fucking day parents being parents things aren't fucking trauma. Some of us go through literal hell and back, and all we have to show for it is too much consciousness and PTSD.

"Some people with DID have up to 100 alters" means that the most a non-polyfragmented system can have is up to 100 brainmates. Polyfrag systems can have way more brainnmates, but that's not the point. It is physically impossible to have thousands. You would be clinically insane and have to be institutionalized for your own safety because you cannot live with that many voices in your head in a safe way.

"There isn’t a single test that can diagnose DID" there isn't ANY test known in the medical field curated to diagnose DID. There are brainwave tests, and CAT scans to show presence of other entities in the brain, but there is no testing period. You can't just go to the Dr and ask for a DID test. I have been fighting for diagnoses since I was 13, my DID started forming at 10,I started showing symptoms at 13, and I have been fighting to bee heard ever since. That's 13 years of suffering, if it were that easy I would have been diagnosed a lot sooner.

"DID usually isn’t diagnosed until adulthood." you say you - as a young teen - have DID? Ok, but consider the fact that not only is the cut off point for development 10 years old (12 in rare cases), but also the fact that it is medically impossible to diagnose a child with DID, it is exclusively looked into as an adult because of the way a childs brain works. Also the fact of OCD, ADHD, Autism, BPD and Bipolar Disorder can be confused with DID, though they can be co-morbid.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Endos are not real systems, and never will be. They are using a very serious mental illness to gain pitty points.

Some of the people with DID don't get the privilege of diagnosis. Some of us are overlooked, some of us beg to be listened to.

That's another thing, I never, ever see a traumagen telling people that having trauma is a privilege because it "aids in diagnosis".

Stop invading the safe spaces of traumatized people. Stop stealing our terms. Stop using our personal hell to gain internet pitty.

It's nor fucking easy, or fun, or uwu quirky.

Fuck endos, they aren't shit.

[helliontherapscallion]

(Y/n) and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week: Tuesday

Monday     Wednesday     Thursday (Part 1)     Thursday (Part 2)     Friday     Saturday     Sunday

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: anxiety, doctor’s offices, taking pain pills (not sure if I need to tag that, but just in case), stalkers, blackmail, swearing, non-consensual taking pics of nudes, slight body dysmorphia, self-loathing, toxic friends

Word count: 5,326

(A/N): another long chapter, my little wlw heart loved writing this chapter! Also holy shit I was not expecting the first part to blow up, thank you to everyone that read it! Gosh, it’s enough to make a grown woman cry :’)

You cracked open your crusty eyes to Wilbur poking his head into your room. “(Y/n), Dad wants you.”

You groaned rubbing at your eyes in an attempt to get the sleep out of them. “I’ll be down in a sec.” Your voice was scratchy and thick with sleep.

He closed the door silently and you heard his socked feet thumping down the hallway. Your pain faded slightly into soreness, but your shoulders and upper back were slightly stiff. After you drug yourself out of bed, you shambled down the stairs to see your family at the table eating breakfast. Your stomach growled loudly, making you blush slightly in embarrassment. 

Your eldest brother snorted. “Hungry (y/n)?”

You slumped into your seat next to him slowly shoveling food into your mouth. “You have no idea.”

“You wouldn’t be that hungry if you ate dinner when you got home like I told you to do last night, young lady. You better eat every single thing on that plate.”

There was no arguing with a stern Dadza, so you reluctantly complied. Meanwhile, Tommy and Tubbo were telling Wilbur about your match animatedly. 

“And the ball was like fwoosh and she- the ball and-and-”

“And she hit it and Haley hit it to the other side! It was so cool!”

Wilbur merely smiled listening to them ramble about how badass you were last night. They made you feel genuinely happy that they admired your volleyball abilities; they were probably your biggest fans and that made your day most of the time. You remembered the first match they came to during your freshman year, they had run up to you right after the end-of-match whistle blew to spew about how good you were on the court. They met the team that day. Your team adored having them at your games, over the years they slowly replaced your school’s mascot. They played a huge part in morale boosts before and during matches. 

He looked over to you, “I didn’t know my little sister could be so badass.”

You felt your cheeks flare up. “It’s nothing I haven’t done before. It really wasn’t anything special.”

“(Y/n),” Philza pursed his lips, “you did all that with a bruised back, I’d consider that something special.”

“Wait (y/n), you’re hurt?” Tommy and Tubbo looked at you with wide concerned eyes.

“Yeah, but it’s not that bad. I can still move and stuff.”

Techno rolled his eyes, “it’s bad if you’re going to the doctor for it.”

“Eh, it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did yesterday, so I’m not worried.” 

“You’re deadass wincing everytime you move your arm,” WIlbur deadpanned, “it clearly still hurts.”

“Well yeah, I didn’t say the pain went away completely. Fuckin’ dumbass.”

“Language,” Philza glared at you two, gesturing to the two fifth graders watching the exchange with interest. 

You and Wilbur resumed eating and murmured out a defeated “sorry Dad.” You both glared at Techno when he huffed in amusement. 

“If you three keep bickering, you’re going to be late to school. Remember, you two have to drop off Tommy and Tubbo today cuz I’m taking your sister to her appointment. Now go get ready, I’ll take care of your dishes.”

Your brothers took off up the stairs, each competing to get to the bathroom first. Occasionally, you would hear shouts and slapping noises. You felt glad you didn’t have to deal with that today. Judging by Techno’s gruff voice laughing and an explosion of loud complaints from the rest, you assumed that he won today. “I swear, they’re gonna put me in an early grave.”

“You and me both Dad, you and me both.”

You went into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of pain pills from the junk drawer. Various bottles of Motrin and Advil were scattered around the house because when you live with a rambunctious family like this one, people are bound to get hurt and headaches are common. Popping three into your mouth, you washed it down with a glass of water. The sound of the running water faucet and the slight splashing of water filled the silence of the room. 

“How’s your back? Does it feel any better?”

“Kinda, today it just feels more sore than throbbing, my headache went away mostly, and my shoulder doesn’t feel any worse, so that’s better I guess.”

He shut off the water and reached for a towel to dry off his wet hands. He moved over to the freezer and grabbed a frozen package of peas that your family never ate. You all used it whenever one of you would get a bruise. He moved behind you and held it against your back without warning. Flinching forward from the unexpected temperature change, you winced with the wave of pain moving brought you. 

“Shit, sorry.”

“You’re good. Just give me a little warning next time,” you chuckled. He gently placed it back on your back and you sighed from the slight relief that it brought you. You leaned into the peas and closed your eyes. “That feels amazing.”

“I bet. That bruise was pretty bad yesterday, can I look at it again?”

You reluctantly left the sanctuary that was the medical grade frozen peas and leaned forward, moving your hair out of the way for him. “Knock yourself out.”

He made a hissing noise as soon as he moved your shirt out of the way. “Dad, it probably looks worse than it feels.”

“...Have you seriously not looked at this yet? It looks pretty bad, hun.”

“Well, sorry I can’t move to look at my back without being in pain. I’ll try harder next time.” You snarked him.

“Hey, watch the attitude. Here, I’ll take a picture so you can see how bad it is.”

You heard the rustling of fabric as he fished his phone out of his pocket and the obnoxiously loud click of his camera app. You turned around to look at the damage. You squinted at his bright phone screen. Your entire back was swollen in some areas and was covered in ugly reds, blues, blacks, and purples. You made a disgusted noise in the back of your throat and cringed away from the screen. You always got nauseous seeing injuries.

“Yikes.”

“Yikes isn’t the only word I would use, it’s bad (y/n).”

“It looks worse than it feels, I promise. I’m gonna go get ready so we’re not late to my appointment. It sounds like the boys are finally done with the bathroom.”

You hobbled up the stairs slowly and made your way to the bathroom. The door was wide open ready for you to use. Turning on the light, you closed the door in a hurry so that your brothers wouldn’t try to get in again to hog the bathroom like they usually did. You frowned at your appearance. Your hair was sticking up in every direction and you had dark eye bags around your dull looking eyes. A few pimples dotted your skin like constellations in the night sky, but much uglier and more out of place. Turning your body, you scanned your figure. Your eyes watered as you realized that you had gained some weight. Adrian, Sammy, and Annie were right, you looked like garbage all the time.

You ripped your eyes away from yourself in the mirror with disgust etched deep into your features. You were disgusting through and through. Ripping your brush through your hair, you winced at the pain emanating from the back of your head. You deserve the pain for letting yourself go. Once you were slightly more satisfied with your appearance, you stepped out of the bathroom and quickly changed into the clothes you would wear today. You decided on a hoodie and a pair of tights. You didn’t feel like dressing yourself up. 

You once again walked down the stairs and slipped on your shoes to meet your dad in his car. You idly scrolled through your phone while you waited for him, looking at your notifications for the first time that day. You had ten texts from the group chat that you were in with Adrian, Annie, and Sammy.

Sammy <3

(Y/n) where the hell are you?

Adrian <3

Do you guys think she ditched us?

I knew she was ignoring us

Sammy <3

Who ignores their friends?

Annie <3

(Y/n) apparently. 

She has more important things to do ig

Oh my god

Do you guys think she skipped school?

Adrian <3

I wouldn’t put it past her

Maybe she finally gave up

(Y/n)

I’m sorry guys, I just have a doctor’s appointment today

I would never ignore you

Sammy <3

Yk, it’s hard to keep defending you when you keep ditching us..

(Y/n)

I’m not ditching you!

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys about my appointment

I’ll make it up to you guys

Adrian <3

How?

You’ve already skipped out on us enough already

Annie <3

Oh ik!

She can write our final research paper for us Dri!

I haven’t started it yet lmao

Adrian <3

Saaaame lmaoooo

Sammy <3

Guys, what about me???

Adrian <3

Idk, figure it out yourself

Sammy <3

Rude!

Uhhh

Ur gonna put together my final presentation for us history

(Y/n)

Alright, I can do that for you guys

Sam can you pls send me the rubric? 

Annie <3

Thanks love ;)

(Y/n)

No problem, I like doing things for friends

My dad’s coming, I gotta go

Talk to you guys later

Adrian <3

Byeeee (y/n), ur the best!

(Y/n)

: ) <3

You put your phone down as your dad started up the car and pulled out of the driveway. The drive was quiet as you stared out the window and thought about how much work you now had to do. On top of your own classes, you had two more to write and a presentation to make in a class you hadn’t taken since the first semester in your sophomore year. The research papers had to be at least four full pages long with a minimum of ten sources each due on Friday and you had no idea how big Sammy’s US history presentation has to be or what it’s even about. But that was fine, you’d do anything for your friends. 

“So, who were you texting? Your boyfriend?” He asked jokingly.

“Oh, just Adrian, Sammy, and Annie. I don’t have a boyfriend Dad,” because you were a closeted lesbian, but you wouldn’t tell him that anytime soon. “You know that.”

“I know,” he chuckled, “it’s been a while since I’ve seen them. How have they been?”

“They’re good. Adrian got a job at the diner, he’s a host. Sammy and Annie have been focusing more on raising their grades.”

“Good for them! You should invite them over for dinner sometime.”

“I was actually thinking that I could maybe go hang out with them on Halloween...?”

“(Y/n), the family was going to take Tommy and Tubbo trick-or-treating.”

“I know, but there’s always next year. Plus, we haven’t been able to hang out in so long! We’re always free at different times.”

“I don’t know (y/n), what if they don’t want to trick-or-treat next year? What were you planning on doing with them?”

“We were just gonna hang out at Annie’s house and watch some horror movies,” you lied. He would never let you go if he knew you were going to a party. Especially one where alcohol would be involved and hormonal teenage boys ran rampant actively scouting for an easy lay.

“...I’ll think about it.” The car pulled into the doctor office’s parking lot.

“Thank you Dad! It’s been a while since we’ve all hung out together.”

He chuckled as you both walked into the lobby, checked in, and waited for your name to be called. About ten minutes later, you were summoned by a nurse so you went into the back leaving your dad to wait in the lobby. The nurse recorded your height and weight (much to your dismay, you gained four pounds) and asked you the standard questions about your injury and uncomfortable questions about your overall health. The clacking of her acrylic nails on the plastic keyboard filled the awkward silence.

Once that was done, she left and you had to wait a little bit for the doctor. After slipping into the backless gown the nurse left, you mindlessly scrolled on your phone. Jumping when someone knocked on the door, you looked up to see your family’s doctor smiling at you.

“Hello (y/n), how are we feeling today?”

“I’m alright.”

“I hear that you had quite the fall onto some concrete, is that true?”

“Yes, I landed on my back and the back of my head.”

She reached over and squirted hand sanitizer onto her hands, rubbing it in and looking back at you. “Can you please lay on your stomach so I can take a look at your back?”

You nodded, shifting on the uncomfortable paper covered cushioned table onto your stomach. You felt her cold hands gently graze your bruises before she pulled out her stethoscope. “Can you take a good deep breath in for me?”

You complied and she instructed you to let it out. Doing this multiple times along your back, she put her stethoscope away and continued prodding at your exposed back. 

“There’s definitely some swelling in multiple areas… It doesn’t feel or sound like you cracked or broke any ribs, which is excellent… Do you have any pain deep in your shoulder when you move it?”

“Yes, I landed on it wrong last night at my volleyball match.”

“How would you describe your pain? Stabbing, sore, throbbing…”

“More sore, but a little stabbing pain when I move my arm.”

She moved her fingers to examine your shoulder. “It doesn’t sound like a sprain or fracture, can you move it up and down for me?”

You moved your arm up and down, front and back, and side to side. “You still have a full range of movement, that’s good. Can I have you sit back up again?”

You sat back up and she started testing you for a concussion. After passing her tests, you were cleared of having a concussion. “Alright (y/n), it appears that you only strained your deltoid and teres muscles and you have severe bruising along your back. Make sure you ice your back and, if you have one, wear a shoulder compression sleeve. Anti-inflammatory medications such as Ibuprofen will help with the swelling. Other than that, you have a clean bill of health! You can still participate in volleyball practices, but you need to take it easy. Don’t do anything that will strain the muscles any further.”

“Thank you Dr. Samson,” you smiled at her. 

“You’re welcome. I’ll leave you to change back into your clothes and you’re free to go! You may leave the gown on the table.”

She left the room and you redressed yourself. Walking out to the lobby, Philza’s head perked up when he heard the door opening. He stood up and walked over to you with a slightly worried face. You both walked back out to the car.

“So?”

“Dr. Samson said that I don’t have a concussion, sprains or broken bones. She told me that I just strained my shoulder muscles and I need to keep ice on my back.”

He visibly slumped in relief. “Thank god. What’d she say about volleyball?”

“She said that I could keep playing, but I have to take it easy.”

“Good, wouldn’t want you missing finals on Thursday. Do you know if the team you’re playing is any good?”

“Dad, of course they’re good, we’re the top two teams in the area.”

“I bet their setter is nowhere near as good as you are and I bet the setter and spiker aren’t as synced as you and Haley are. You two make a good pair.” 

“Yeah we do, don’t we?” You looked out the window and smiled a little and felt your ears turn red. The very mention of Haley’s name was enough to make you feel like you were on cloud nine. The car fell silent again as you neared your high school. 

In your AP world history class, the class was looking at the test you had taken yesterday. Surprisingly, you got a 74% on the multiple choice part and a 50% on your essay portion, so that landed you with a just below passing grade. You thought you completely flunked that test yesterday, so that was a pleasant surprise. It took a good portion out of your overall grade in the class, lowering it from a comfortable A- to a slightly alarming B. You supposed it could’ve been a lot worse. Besides reviewing your tests, the class didn’t do much except starting the reading for the next chapter.

Your psychology online class went like it usually did, however your phone blew up with texts about midway through the block. Glancing down, you saw that it was Haley. Shouldn’t she be in class?

Hales : )

(Y/n) meet me in the locker room right after school

I need to talk to you before practice starts

It’s an emergency

(Y/n)

What’s going on?

Hales : )

I’ll explain after school.

Can’t talk about it over text

(Y/n)

Alright, see ya then ig

You felt your gut twinge. Something’s wrong, but you didn’t know what. You were worried about Haley, usually she was really bubbly. You’ve never seen the senior act so strange before. You could only wait the block out until the bell would release you from the confines of the library and into the locker room. After sending a quick text to your brothers that you were going to stay after school for your practice, you stared blankly at your laptop’s clock as you counted down the minutes left in the class period. Ten minutes. Eight minutes. Four minutes. Two minutes. Thirty seconds-

You shot up from your seat as the bell rang. Pushing past some groups of freshmen that congregated in the hallways, you made a beeline for the locker room. In the locker room, you found Haley sitting on the metal bench on the opposite end of the locker room with her back facing the last row of lockers and facing the brick wall. She was clenching her phone in her hand with an iron grip. You hurried to sit next to her.

“Hales, what’s going on? Talk to me.”

“It’s bad (y/n). Like, really bad.”

“What’s bad? You’re worrying me.”

Wordlessly, she unlocked her phone and handed it to you. On the screen was something that you weren’t expecting to see. You scrolled through the contents and felt your stomach drop with each scroll; someone took pictures of you and Haley throughout the match last night. Every picture was a violation to yours and Haley’s dignities, they had gotten zoomed in pictures of your boobs and asses. Deeper, there were even pictures taken of you changing into your volleyball uniform through your open window. You were only in your underwear. Haley had a similar picture that you scrolled past as fast as you could. Scrolling to the bottom of the text message thread, the person that sent Haley the pictures added a caption to the last picture. It was a picture of you and Haley together celebrating your match, her arm slung around your shoulder with your mouth open mid-laugh.

Unknown

I’m sending these out to the entire school unless you stop hanging around her.

If you tell anyone, the pics will be printed off and put in every single locker and bathroom the school has.

You’ll be the sluts of Klinkver High. 

Cut all ties now. You have two days. 

Do not try me.

“Jesus christ Haley. Who the fuck would do this? This is sick.”

She took her phone back and locked it without looking at the screen. “I don’t know (y/n). I wanted to tell you not to openly talk to me for a few days. We don’t know who took these, we don’t know what they’re capable of. I don’t wanna risk angering them.”

“We can find them! If we look close enough, we might find a few clues where they were sitting. Do you remember seeing anything suspicious last night?”

“(Y/n), our best option is to leave it. We just can’t talk in person anymore; we can still text each other.”

“Hales, how are we gonna not talk? I’m your setter.”

She ran a hand through her thick black hair. “I don’t know (y/n). Just-just don’t talk to me anymore, I don’t want your pictures leaked.”

“I don’t care about my pictures. My name’s been drug through so much shit this past year that it won’t affect me. I don’t want your stuff leaked.”

She gave a watery laugh, “you care too much, I love that about you…” Glistening eyes turned to look deep into your own. “I’m so scared (y/n), I don’t know what to do.”

You pulled her into a hug, wincing slightly when she squeezed her arms around your upper back. She buried her face into your shoulder and started shaking with muffled sobs. “Haley, I promise I’ll catch whatever sick bastard is doing this to you. You don’t deserve this.”

She said nothing as you rested your chin on the top of her head and started to rock her back and forth slowly. You two stayed like that even after her sobbing resided, finding comfort in each other’s presence. Glancing at the clock, you realized that you two have been in the locker room for an hour. Practice was set to start in fifteen minutes, people were going to start coming into the locker room soon. 

You reluctantly pulled away from the hug and looked Haley in her bloodshot eyes, “I’m not going to let those pictures of you get leaked. I swear on my-”

The door to the locker room swung open and loud laughter echoed throughout the room. Haley pushed you away and speed walked off to a bathroom stall, slamming the door shut behind her. 

“Damn (y/n), what’d you do? She’s pissed.” 

“It’s none of your business, Zara.” 

“Oh, so it’s a lover’s quarrel then~” She cackled, her hair bouncing slightly with each heave of her shoulders. 

“For the love of… Haley and I aren’t dating, we’re both straight.” She’s straight.

“Mmhm.” She brushed past you to go to her locker. You followed her, your locker was in the grouping next to hers. You shared the area with Haley. You changed as fast as you could so that Haley would have time to change before practice starts. Speed walking into the gym, Zara was hot on your trail wearing a shit eating grin.

“Why are you in such a rush? Giving your girlfriend the silent treatment?”

“Zara. We aren’t dating. For the last time, we’re both heterosexual, not homosexual!” You wildly gestured with your hands to emphasize your point, your voice being amplified by the vast gym. Coach Williams gave you a confused look from across the gym. 

“You just keep telling yourself that.”

“I’m serious.”

“Hi serious,” a soft voice replied from behind you, “I’m Jazzy.”

You groaned at the pun at the same time Zara started cackling, giving the short libero a high five. “Nice!”

“That was so bad, Jaz.” You couldn’t help the smile that found its way onto your face.

Zara poked your cheek with a wide grin. “C’mon, you’re smiling!”

“I am and I hate it.”

Your bickering continued with Jazzy watching you two with a content smile. The remaining members of the team (Haley, Marlene, and Zuri) filed into the gym right as Coach Williams blew her whistle. 

Practice went by slowly without Haley talking to you. Sure, you had the rest of the team, but it didn’t feel the same with you guys ignoring each other. If the team or Coach Williams noticed you two not talking to each other, they didn’t say anything. By time practice was over, you all went to the locker room to change. After slipping into your fuzzy pajama pants, you sat on the bench and texted Wilbur to come pick you up. He was supposed to pick you up after practice today because he and Techno took the car home after school. Five minutes passed and he still didn’t reply. He probably won’t see the text until you got home from walking.

You sighed, resting your chin in your palm as you leaned forward. One by one, the girls left the locker room until it was only you and Haley left. 

“Do you need a ride (y/n)?” She asked gently.

“But what if the person sees us together? I can just walk home, it’s not really a big deal.”

She rolled her eyes at you. “It is a big deal. It’s cold and dark out. You could get kidnapped or something. You don’t even have a coat with you. I’m giving you a ride whether you like it or not.”

You playfully rolled your eyes at her and stood up to walk next to her, “okay, mom.”

“Don’t give me that attitude young lady.”

“You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real mom!”

She gasped and lightly smacked the back of your shoulder, “I married your- are you alright? Shit, I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“No, you’re good. It’s just this damned bruise.”

She moved her hands and frantically turned you around to pull the neck of your shirt down. You two stood in front of the school’s main entrance with the nauseatingly bright fluorescent light bouncing off the reflective surface of the tiles. The orange tinted street lights lit up the sidewalk outside.

“(Y/n)-”

“I know what you’re gonna say.”

She scoffed, “oh really? What am I gonna say then, o wise one?”

You turned around to face her, “‘oh, this is bad, yadda yadda yadda.’ Everyone’s been saying that about it. Honestly it looks worse than it feels. Tis but a scratch, m’lady.”

She snorted and covered her mouth, “never call me ‘m’lady’ ever again.”

You started to walk to her car in the empty parking lot. “Or what? What’re ya gonna do?”

“I swear to god, (y/n), I’m gonna leave you here.”

“Do it, pussy. Bet you won’t.”

“You really wanna bet?”

You grinned at her, “hell yeah.”

She broke off into a mad dash to her car, laughing freely into the night sky. You chased after her trying not to move your arms much, your laugh mixing with hers like a perfect symphony composed of the world’s best musicians. The sound of your rubber soles slapping the pavement resonated throughout the parking lot as you quickly gained on her. Reaching out to grab her shirt, she smirked at you and sharply turned to the right into the grass.

You grinned as her pace slowed down slightly. You’d be able to catch her at this pace. You pushed your legs to move faster as she looked at you from over her shoulder and shrieked in surprise at how close you were to her. You cackled at her reaction, reaching out once again, you grabbed her hand. She was stopped dead in her tracks as your shoulder was yanked with the sudden momentum, making you hiss in slight pain. Despite that, you didn’t let go of her soft hand. 

You both stood there under the moonlight and the soft orange street lamps trying to  catch your breath. The slightly damp blades of grass tickled your ankle as you shifted to face her better. Through gasping breaths and a dopey grin, you said “you… lost, pussy.”

She let out a breathy laugh as she pulled you to her car. “Shuddup.”

“Make me~”

She opened the passenger side door for you and got into the driver's seat. Her car smelled like vanilla and citrus. “Oh, you will later when I make you do more sets in weight lifting tomorrow, hurt shoulder be damned.”

She turned on the ignition and the car revved to life, soft indie pop wafted from the speakers. She backed out of the parking space and sped off to the main road. “You wouldn’t…”

“I’m your captain, (y/n). I can make you do whatever I want.” You felt your cheeks heat up a tad. You were happy that she couldn’t see you.

“Naw, you’re too much of a softie for that. Admit it, I’ve got you wrapped around my little finger.”

She chuckled as she pulled into your driveway and put the car in park. “...Alright, maybe you do. Just a bit.”

She turned to look at you. She looked stunning with the shadows accentuating the contours of her face perfectly. You found yourself glancing at her lips and leaning slightly towards you. To your surprise, she started leaning into you as well. Before your lips could finally mesh together, she pulled back with a sigh and ran her hand through her hair. You felt a rush of disappointment and fear course through your veins. She didn’t like you like that, you should’ve known better. You were so stupid. So, so stu-

“I can’t (y/n). I want to kiss you so bad, but we can’t. Not yet at least. Not until we find the pervert that took those pictures of us.”

You sighed, “right.”

The car was filled with awkward silence. Not even the soft music streaming from the speakers could alleviate the awkwardness. God, you really screwed up your friendship, didn’t you? Sammy, Adrian, and Annie were right; you messed up everything you touched.

You coughed, “I think I’m gonna…”

“Yeah…”

You grabbed your bag and walked into your house, the smell of chicken slapping you in the face instantly. Without checking in with your dad, you hurried up the stairs, desperate for the warm comfort of your bed. That, and if you wanted to get Sammy’s presentation and Adrian’s, Annie’s, and your research papers done by Friday, you had to start as soon as you could. You were going to skip dinner for tonight, you’d just grab more breakfast tomorrow morning. 

You plopped on your bed and got started on your research paper. Luckily, you already had all of the sources you were planning on using and the rough outline of each body paragraph, so writing the actual paper wasn’t going to take long. You worked until you heard a knock at your door. 

“(Y/n),” Techno’s monotone voice called out, “dinner’s ready.”

“Tell Dad I’m not hungry. Practice’s got me beat, I’m going to bed soon.”

He grunted, “you know he’s not gonna like that right?”

You felt frustration start to swim circles around your chest, “Techno, just tell him that I’m not hungry right now. Please.”

“Damn, you don’t need to be like that. I’ll tell him.”

You heard his stomping footsteps thumping down the hall. Shit, you pissed him off. You were a terrible person, he was just trying to get you to eat something, Pushing back the tears that threatened to spill from your eyes, you forced the panic that was starting to swirl around your body in laps deep into your being. You didn’t have time to deal with your failures and stupid emotions, you had to get this done. You didn’t have time to think about Haley’s warm breath ghosting across your lips. You didn’t have time to think about how she probably regretted almost kissing you. You didn’t have time to fall into an anxiety spiral, you needed to focus if you wanted Adrian, Annie, and Sammy to forgive you. You ruined yours and Haley’s friendship and did the same to yours and Techno’s. They were the only ones you had left. You needed to be a better friend.

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